A Certain YouTuber

     Referring to Natalie Wynn as "ContraPoints" feels weirdly alienating, and calling her Natalie feels too familiar.  I don't know her, and if I did I wouldn't cop to it.  She deserves her privacy at the very least.  In true academic style, I'll be referring to her as Wynn, which hopefully won't confuse anyone.  I think it's essential for us, and by us I mean the girls, to exercise a certain amount of restraint when talking about her.  This is sort of an extension of last week's theme, since I think Wynn has unfortunately become a lightning rod for some of the resentments that exist between trans people, resentments we often displace.  We do this primarily because we love each other and because we need each other.  At least that's why I do it.  I also think that Wynn invites so much ire because she attempts to project her insecurities back onto other trans women, and because, to be frank, much of what she believes and has experienced is a product of her social status as rich and white.  Because of her unique status as a visible representation of wealthy white trans women, attacking her feels like taking them all (us all, actually) down a peg.  

    There's no clean narrative I can muster to explain how and why I realized I was transgender.  However, the ContraPoints YouTube channel didn't hurt by any means.  I suspect a lot of us had the same experience of watching those videos while also coming into the knowledge that we wanted to be women, or already were depending on your theory of gender.  For me, it wasn't anything she said but simply the act of seeing a transgender woman, on camera, looking frankly gorgeous that helped open me to the possibility of being one.  I suspect I am not the only person who, upon transitioning, quickly also became uncomfortable with Wynn's videos.  In part this is because of our increasing proximity; whereas before I was an insecure egg, now I was an insecure trans woman, and so was (is) Wynn.  Like a teenager who has begun to think critically about what their parents believe, I was shocked that some of what Wynn was saying no longer resonated with me the way it used to.  In fact, I realized that some of it betrayed a baffling contempt for her audience.

    I really hate myself, and I'm not at all proud to admit that.  This week alone I have had multiple anxiety attacks brought on by the mere idea that certain strangers online would dislike me if they knew me.  Never mind that they don't know me, and that they will probably never have the misfortune of knowing me.  When most of the world automatically reacts to you with disgust, you become much more sensitive to the opinions of the few people who might possibly accept you for who you are.  This is why I empathize with Wynn when she publicly melts down over a negative audience reaction.  On the one hand, this is a classic case of White Female Tears.  On the other, it's a response built up from a lifetime of being isolated and ridiculed.  It's also kind of embarrassing, especially since she loves to use these moments to deflect legitimate criticism and build an audience that will unapologetically "stan" her no matter how ridiculously she acts.

    I've refrained from expressing whether I agree or disagree with Wynn so far, but for the record I think that every time people criticize her she's been belligerently wrong.  Even if you think she's right, however, you have to admit that she also seems to really dislike other trans women.  More accurately, I think she is afraid of us, or else she wouldn't spend so much time shitting on us in her videos.  One of her many tweets which have since been deleted is her practically begging for reconciliation.  In it, she asks how she can regain the trust of the trans community--a nebulous concept to begin with, but it's understandable that she would be sensitive to the opinions of other women online.  In my view, however, there is no way for her to truly reconcile with the trans community because there is no trans community, not really.  There are trans women who are big online, in activist circles, in writing, wherever who can sometimes appear to represent the rest of us.  There are younger trans kids who are vocal about what direction LGBT organizing should go in.  There are subcultures and youth cultures and bathhouses and organizing groups but the "gay community" itself is largely a myth.

    I don't forgive Wynn for what she's said, but unlike a lot of people I also don't think she owes me an apology for the stupid things she believes.  I do think she owes herself some real, honest-to-Goddess time off from YouTube and some trans friends her age who aren't bitter spinsters who think kids dyeing their hair is the death knell of the gay community.  The real culprit is actually a program of economic neoliberalism and increased state surveillance that seeks to justify itself by inventing new threats to police, including (but certainly not limited to) pregnant women, black people, and trans kids who use the bathroom.  But I digress.  The real issue at hand here is that a woman I don't know loves to be wrong online.  It is, furthermore, that there are so many people who seethe with anger every time she does so.  Perhaps it's envy, as she has implied.  Perhaps it's that the kids have it too good, and are being special snowflakes who hate it when they're told it's wrong to identify as attack helicopters.  I think the real reason is that everyone has collectively decided that she represents us, and she doesn't.  Only we can represent us.

    To reiterate, I don't know Natalie Wynn, and she doesn't know me.  Maybe her online behavior is all an act, and she actually lives on a ranch with her trans wife and three adopted children.  I hope that's how she ends up one day.  Whatever the case may be, her outsized cultural influence needs to be tempered by more realistic expectations from us, and by a real willingness on her part to learn about the multifarious ways in which a person can be trans from us.  And if, Goddess forbid, you are Natalie Wynn, my advice is this: touch grass.  Examine your biases, and accept that some people don't feel trans the way you do.  Stop trying to please people who are never going to love you.  And maybe don't take everything so fucking personally.